FanFic (again)

jeg leste denne og syntes den var så bra at jeg bare MÅTTE legge den ut x]
blir i flere deler, siden den er så lang

one

Sakito liked to think he had an analytical mind. Testament of that were the about a dozen notebooks that he kept. The majority of those were reserved for songwriting, though they didn’t only contain scribbles of lyrics and sheet music, but they also had plenty of little drawings. There was a neat list of all Nightmare’s songs, sorted by key, riffs, themes, moods and so on. Often, little drawings and graphs were found, with calculations about how successful a song could be, the musical elements measured out carefully against sales numbers and the band’s own satisfaction.

The most special one out of all the notebooks was easily to distinguish from the others as it was a thick book with a special cover, as if it had an inlay of small bronze pieces and was of old age. The notebook had immediately captured his attention in the bookstore, and he had purchased it with the thought of giving it to his little sister as a birthday present. However, he ended up keeping it to himself because he liked it so much. His sister had been happier with the money he had given her instead, anyway.

Also the purpose of it was special and if Sakito was completely honest about it, he was sometimes embarrassed about its existence and he often thought he wasn’t any better than their own crazy fan girls. It originally started as a normal journal, writing down the things he did every day seeing as he preferred writing on paper over keeping an online journal. However, from everyday happenings, it quickly turned into a journal based on only one thing: his enormous crush on Hitsugi.

The journal contained numerous reports of things that the quiet guitarist did on a day, his habits, in what way he had reacted to things, what he liked and made him smile, topics that Sakito better should avoid, how much sugar he usually put in his coffee (two scoops and a little bit of milk, sometimes black but only in the morning) and so on. It had an extensive list with the title “Things I Want To Know About Hitsugi”, then the answer of quite a number of them, which he had obtained by carefully observing him, conversations, interviews with press and various other ways. And then the list of “Things I want to do with, or to Hitsugi”, which started with quite normal things such as “going to the flee market because I want to share the colorful experience with him” to things he had jotted down when he was in a less coherent state of mind when Mr. Daniels kept him company on lonely nights. Amongst them was a number of positions and locations, almost sinful longings which, when he read them again, actually managed to turn him on as he imagined the two of them in then, despite the fact that they were just a collection of words written down on a piece of paper, signed by himself.

However, there was one thing that the journal couldn’t help him with, and that was actually making Hitsugi’s his, to turn his scribbles into reality. There were several reasons that prevented him from making a move, though he had definitely made a number of tiny steps. For a start, he didn’t want to cause any trouble within the band’s atmosphere and he didn’t even have the faintest clue if the guitarist was interested in other men. He knew that the guitarist was extremely shy, very timid, which was also the reason why he always used so much make-up, to hide himself behind the thick layer. He really didn’t want to make him uncomfortable and have awkward moments between the two of them and the chance that he liked him back, seemed to be very minimal. What he wanted most was to make Hitsugi happy, and if that meant he couldn’t be with him, then so would it be.

Still, there were a few things that he knew would definitely help to romance Hitsugi. From observing him, he knew what he liked and he always paid a lot of attention when subjects related to relationships came up in interviews. He seemed to be very romantic, and had once named holidays such as Christmas, New Year or Valentine’s Day as the perfect day for confessions and that’s why Sakito got really jittery around these days, contemplating whether he would confess to his band mate or not. For the past few years, he had always decided ‘no’, which made him spend his Christmases in a lonely, grumpy way.

However, next to being jittery, grumpy and indecisive during this time just before Christmas, Sakito was bothered by something else this time. His special notebook was nowhere to be found.

two

Dear Diary, I can’t believe this is happening. I’m pretty much hurling between the thoughts “this can’t be true, it’s not really happening” to “oh God he actually likes me”.

Let me start at the very beginning, and hopefully that’ll manage to calm me down a bit, like it usually does when I confide my thoughts to you. When we were in Fukuoka, the last stop of the tour before we will continue with it again on Christmas, I shared a room with Sakito. Of course, it made me cheer like an idiot inwardly as I found out how they had roomed us, there’s nothing I love more than sharing a room with him. It’s lovely to be around him, to secretly watch him as he leaves the bathroom smelling deliciously from the shower, dressed in only underwear and then the best thing ever as he slips underneath the covers next to me. Thank the gods that we had a double bedroom again instead of a twin. Though I’m not able to sleep much when he lies next to me because I don’t want to miss any of it by falling asleep. Sometimes he even ends up lying very close to me when he’s moving around while he’s asleep and there’s nothing that I love more than that.

Anyway, I’m drifting off, that’s not what I wanted to write about. In the morning, when I went to use the bathroom of our room before we left, I noticed that there was something lying on the windowsill. At first I thought it was something like a bible that hotel rooms sometimes have and I picked it up. However, when I flipped through it, I noticed that this was definitely not any of the kind, not even some novel or something, but a diary, somewhat just like mine. It only took a second for me to recognize Sakito’s handwriting because it has this typical style so I stood there pretty much frozen as I let my eyes skim over the pages, my heart pounding like crazy. I think I was close to having a heart attack when I realized that this diary was like, totally dedicated to me. To ME!!! And from what I could read in those few seconds before I got a second almost-heart-attack as Sakito pounded on the door for me to hurry up, it was a whole eulogy about my smile and how much he likes it. I’m sure I’ll burn for hell in this, but I just put the book in my pants, covered it with my hoodie and quickly washed my hands, hoping that the cold water over my palms would manage to calm me down a bit.

So I sneaked it into my bag, and fortunately Sakito wasn’t looking at me at all, so that went without a problem. In the tour bus back to Tokyo, I was going crazy with the need to read it, to find out what he was thinking about me, but I obviously couldn’t. So, needless to say, when I was dropped off at home, I raced towards my apartment, fed the kitties, grabbed the book and started to read. Around nine o’clock I finally could tear myself away from it, quickly made some ramen and continued to read. Another quick stop was made for a shower, and then I dived into bed. Around five in the morning I fell asleep and the next day I continued. It’s quite big you see, it spans about three years…Last night I finished it, and I still can’t believe it. It’s all full of… me, actually. It almost seems as Sakito knows me better than I do myself and… He seems to love me. My hand is trembling as I write these words down, it’s such an indescribable feeling, I feel as if my chest is going to burst any moment now, because my heart is swelling so much. However, not all of it is full of praise. He should’ve told me that he thought those red pants looked horrible on me, I had no idea! It was a pretty big surprise to me to find out that he is terribly insecure when it comes to me… I can’t blame him though, I think I’ve been hiding my feelings very well. It’s somehow strange to see him so unsure; he usually has plenty of confidence. And oh my God… There are quite some parts in which he basically writes his fantasies down, the sexual things he wants to do with me and just… damn! I got all hot and bothered last night when I imagined him writing those words down, lying naked on his bed, pen in one hand and the other playing with himself as he was writing it down, until it became too much for him and he just focused on getting off. And you know; he actually did that, his journal giving me all the dirty details about the long love making sessions that we had in Sakito’s mind… While reading that I couldn’t help myself either and I’m too embarrassed to give you the number of times I jacked off.

Anyway, I’m going to sleep for a long time now, and ponder what to do now. It’s funny, the thing I’ve been hoping so long for is within reach, but I don’t think I’ve ever been more scared in my life.
Love,
Hitsugi.

three

A photo shoot had been scheduled on one of their free days and Sakito was in a bad mood. He was incredibly angry with himself for forgetting his journal somewhere and he was extremely worried about it. He had called the hotel they had stayed in last, to ask if anything had been found in the room, emphasizing on the point that it was very- important. The maid had told him that absolutely nothing had been found except for a pair of socks, which Sakito suspected were up on eBay immediately after the girl had realized they had been his. Somehow, the girl had sounded honest and he thought of all the other possibilities. He knew for sure he still had it when he wrote down his thoughts about Hitsugi's sexy poses during the concert of that evening and the way he smelled later in the dressing room. He had scribbled it down quickly after he took a shower, seated on the closed toilet lid and his hurried handwriting almost un-readable because he didn't want the other man to wonder why he was taking so long.

So that left only one possibility: it had fallen out of his bag, so he would have to call the company of the tour bus to ask if they had found it. He frowned suddenly, making the make-up person halt her work. After her request to relax his face again, he did so and she continued. He watched the mirror in front of him again, his eyes automatically looking over his own shoulder to look at Hitsugi who was sitting behind him. He could see his back, and then the other guitarist turned a little as a man was painting his make-up on, and suddenly their eyes locked. He noticed Hitsugi looking away immediately, looking a bit startled and then he really started to wonder if Hitsugi had maybe found it. He felt his mouth go dry with the thought; that would be a huge disaster. But no, that couldn't be, he thought, the younger guitarist had been acting quite normal all the time, and he guessed that when one found a journal dedicated to themselves, they would react differently.

The photo shoot crept by incredibly slow and Sakito felt relieved when they were finally finished. It seemed the rest of Nightmare thought the same about it, as they had taken off their make-up in no time and had dressed into their own clothes again. Sakito knew that Hitsugi would be last, just like always because he had the greatest amount make-up to take off, which was always a reason for him to linger a little longer. He had just put his coat on when he heard the other guitarist call.
"Sakito, could you wait a second?" He asked, and Sakito turned around.
"Yeah, sure. What’s up?" He asked as he leaned against the counter, watching the guitarist as he carefully swooped the last bit of make-up from his face and reached for a tissue to remove the oily make-up remover. Suddenly, Sakito noticed that his hands were trembling, which made him nervous as well. Why would Hitsugi want him to wait?
"I have uhm... Something to give you." Hitsugi muttered as he quickly tossed the cotton ball and tissue into the waste bin and then reached to his bag which was standing on the counter behind him. It was what Sakito always referred to as the hippie-bag, consisting of several patches of colorful fabric sewn together.
"I found this." The guitarist spoke as he turned around and held the journal in his hands now. Sakito grabbed the counter to steady himself, his eyes growing wide.
"Did you-.. Did you read it?" He managed to stutter out as the book was exchanged between two pairs of trembling hands.
"I did" Hitsugi spoke softly, his eyes not reaching his and then he took his bag again.
"And I thought it would only be fair to give you mine." He held a soft-cover notebook in his hands now, the cover decorated with cartoons of red cats climbing over each other, something so characteristically Hitsugi that Sakito forgot to panic for a moment. He took it, and then he hugged it to his chest together with his own.
"Thanks... I guess..." He mumbled and the shorter guitarist gave a small nod, wringing his hands like he always did when he was nervous. Sakito had no clue what to say or to do, so he decided just to follow his instincts, turned around and almost bolted for the door, feeling so incredibly embarrassed that he wanted to dig a hole and bury himself in it. He stuffed the notebooks in his bag as he made his way out of the building, walked towards his car and started to drive home, trying his best to focus on the traffic.

Unbeknownst to him, he did exactly the same thing as Hitsugi had done when he came home with his journal. Kicking his shoes off, threw his coat over a chair, grabbed his glasses, flopped himself down at the couch with the diary and started to read.

The early morning found Sakito in exactly the same position. Covered by a blanket now and his reading glasses perched at the end of his nose where they had slipped down to, he started on the last diary entry.

Dear Diary,

"I've made my decision. A rather foolish one and I'm forcing myself not to think about it anymore so I won't change my mind. I decided to give you to Sakito. It's not fair that I've read his but he hasn't read mine, plus.... Somehow I feel like there's no way on earth I'm ever able to tell him what I feel about him. So I'm giving you to him, so he can read my thoughts, so that my foolish stuttering self won't ruin it when I finally have worked up enough courage to tell him how I feel about him.... Again, I'm nervous like hell, scared shitless and a bit embarrassed too.

So, Sakito... If I haven't scared you away or made you change your mind, maybe you'd like to do something on Christmas Eve? I can't believe I'm asking you out though, but.... yeah. Please call me.

Love,
Hitsugi."

A quick glance at his watch told him it was six thirty in the morning. He reached to his cell phone which had been uncomfortably squeezed against his hip all the time, and found Hitsugi's number within no time. Despite the early hour, it only took a few seconds for Hitsugi to pick up. First it was totally silent, and then Sakito heard a soft voice:
"Hi." He sounded sleepy, and Sakito immediately felt a sense of regret.
“Hey, I hope I didn’t wake you up?”
“No, I was still awake. I couldn’t sleep at all… Too nervous.” Hitsugi’s sleepy voice sounded adorable, and Sakito suddenly wondered if he would be wearing his shirt, the one Hitsugi had accidentally mistaken for his own and only discovered it later, but decided to keep it anyway to sleep in at night, according to his diary.
“So… if the offer is still standing… How about I pick you up tonight?” He said, faintly noticing that his voice was quivering a little.
“Of course the offer is still standing. Sounds good.” Sakito thought he could hear the other smile. They agreed that Sakito would pick Hitsugi up at seven in the evening, and they ended the phone call.Sakito stretched his cold limbs painfully as he stood up from the couch, yawning as he made his way over to his bedroom. He undressed and slipped underneath the covers, and despite the nervous tingle in his stomach, he fell asleep pretty quick.

four

What was supposed to be a nice, romantic date, turned into a small disaster. Sakito had been so smart to call a restaurant to make a reservation as soon as he woke up that afternoon, guessing it would be crowded. And it was.

Despite the fact that they were both very nervous, dinner went fine. The food was good, so was the wine and they had a nice conversation. It sometimes felt as if nothing had changed between the two of them, but once in a while, when he ended up staring at the younger man without even noticing, his look was answered with a shy smile, and somehow that made him all tingly inside. However, when they had finished their desserts and asked for some more wine, they were politely asked to leave soon because there were many people waiting. Both found the request rather rude, but just had one more glass of wine before they left.

As they passed a long line of couples waiting for a table at the restaurant, they understood why they had been asked to leave already. Out in the streets of Shibuya, it wasn’t any better. It was crammed with people, some of them hurrying to buy a gift for their loved ones at the last moment and countless of couples together, holding hands or having their arms wrapped around each other. Sakito put his hands in his pockets, getting a bad feeling already.

At the cinema, it wasn’t much better, a long line of waiting people had formed, full of couples that had been having the same idea as them. They quickly dismissed the plan of going to the cinema, and decided to go to one of the parks instead, seeing as it was decorated very nicely with Christmas lights. Both of them had been hoping for more quietness, but unfortunately they were out of luck again. This time, Sakito was also painfully aware of the stares people were giving them. At first he was thinking that some people were recognizing them as members of Nightmare, but they were both wearing beanies and scarves so they were not so recognizable, but then Sakito realized that they were looking at them because they were two men together. He had wished to hold Hitsugi’s hand, like the countless of other couples were doing, but he could feel the stares burning into his back already. There were a few occasions during which their hands brushed each other and he noticed Hitsugi blushing cutely, but that was the most intimate they could be on that evening.

It was eleven o’clock when Sakito drove Hitsugi home already. He stopped at the parking lot in front of his apartment building and stopped the engine. Just as he turned to the guitarist and started to apologize for their date gone bad, Hitsugi opened his mouth to say the same.
“I’m sorry Sakito, I thought… I was thinking I would feel a bit more at ease…” The shy guitarist mumbled quietly and Sakito reached over to gently squeeze his hand.
“It’s okay. I felt incredibly uncomfortable as well. It was just way too crowded…” Hitsugi nodded, fidgeting with the buttons on his coat.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at the gig. Thanks for the evening, Sakito.” The younger guitarist smiled shyly and as he reached for the door handle and left the car. Within a few seconds, he had disappeared, and Sakito let out a long sigh. Frowning and with mixed emotions, he started the engine again and drove himself home. He’d have to come up with something better for tomorrow.

–

There was a small, special smile, just reserved for him on Hitsugi’s lips as he met up with his band members the next day, but the guitarist seemed to be shyer than before. Maybe it was because of the date from the day before?

Everyone was in a good mood as they prepared for the live and this good mood definitely contributed to the concert; everything went really well and the fans went crazy. He had always thought of fan service as a perfect tool to tease Hitsugi and tonight was no different as he hopped over to the other guitarist once in a while, leaning against his back as he played a solo and putting his head on his shoulder as he shouted the backing vocals together with Hitsugi in his microphone. The butterflies in his stomach made him feel high, or rather, even more high than he already was from the concert.

Though the screaming fans were incredibly hard to ignore, his mind drifted off anyway, shutting off the noise and playing his guitar automatically, knowing the songs so well. His thoughts drifted off to think of Hitsugi’s diary, and one entry in particular.

“During, and after the gig I feel as if I’m flying, as if I can handle the whole world and it’s then that I actually dare to be close to Sakito. It seems natural to put my arm around his shoulders and fantastic when he puts his arm around my waist and pulls me close as we celebrate the concert. It feels even better as I dare to rest my head on his shoulder when we are sitting in the dressing room later, being so close to him that I can inhale his scent and have his hair tickle my face.”

“Wake up dude!” He suddenly got startled from his thoughts by Yomi throwing a towel at him and he smiled sheepishly. He realized that they were backstage already, and he was just standing there, looking around dumbly with a stupid smile plastered to his face. He found Hitsugi in the back of the room in which the staff was putting down some beers and other drinks to celebrate the event, and he walked over to the guitarist.
“Can I have a word with you for a second? In the dressing room?”
“Anytime for you Sakito-kun.” Hitsugi said, flinging his arm around his shoulders with a confident smile, which looked kind of odd in combination with the make-up he was wearing. They made their way over to the dressing room, their steps in sync with each other as they walked. Once they got inside, Sakito pulled the door close behind him and then literally lurched for the shorter guitarist, pressing him against the door. He met his eyes once, seeing a confused and surprised look in them, but then he closed his own, holding Hitsugi’s head gently as he pressed his lips to his. He felt something prick against the skin just underneath his bottom lip and was vaguely aware of the fact that it must be his piercings, but he didn’t care, he couldn’t think of anything else but the soft, warm lips against his. As they pulled apart, he heard an amused chuckle and opened his eyes, seeing Hitsugi look at him with a bright smile.

“Not exactly comfortable with all those piercings, isn’t it? But there’s a better way…” He said with a breathy voice and then he wrapped his arms around Sakito’s neck, shoving his fingers into his hair and pulled him close to press their lips together again, this time with his mouth slightly open. Sakito got the hint pretty quick, delving his tongue into Hitsugi’s mouth where he met with metal again, this time not poking his lip, but his tongue piercing. He shuddered as Hitsugi pressed the little ball against his tongue, the question about how that would feel on more intimate parts of his body, sneaking into his head.

Sensing that their band members could come in any moment now, they pulled away, both gasping a little and Sakito marveled at how close their bodies were pressed together and he was sure that this one part pressing against his thigh was not a part of the shorter guitarist’s costume, not at all. Sakito met his eyes, mirroring the wide smile. His heart fluttered, Hitsugi looked so incredibly happy now, and the reason of that, was he himself.
“Do you want to… Do you want to come home with me tonight? I mean, not to…” Hitsugi drifted off.
“I’d love to.” Sakito replied, if Hitsugi wanted to take things slow, one step at a time, it would be perfectly okay with him, even though he had been waiting for a long, long time already.
“I just want you near me tonight, I don’t want to be alone lying awake thinking of you while I’m pretty sure you’re doing the same thing on the other side of town…” Hitsugi mumbled into his ear as he embraced him tightly.
“I know how you feel, definitely.” He replied. At the same moment, they heard footsteps coming towards the door, and they quickly pulled away and started to gather their things, trying to look very busy with removing their make-up as the other three members of the band came in.

A few hours later, Sakito found himself in Hitsugi’s bed, quietly watching the other man who was sitting in front of a mirror as he removed the long studs in his bottom lip and replaced them with smaller jewelry. The 45-minute drive to Hitsugi’s apartment had mostly been quiet, giving Sakito many opportunities to let his thoughts wander. However, he had promised himself to behave tonight, Hitsugi had indicated that he hadn’t wanted Det som ikke bør nevnes yet. A quick, awkward feeling jack-off session in Hitsugi’s shower stall had taken away most of his excitement, but he had the feeling it wouldn’t help for long.
“There, that’s better.” Hitsugi smiled as he turned around and walked towards the bed. Sakito could see he was nervous, all the confidence from earlier gone now. As soon as the lights were turned off, his other senses heightened, and he heard Hitsugi’s bare feet on the carpet as he made his way over to the bed. Then, the mattress dipped slightly as the other guitarist slid next to him, and Sakito smelled his shampoo; the same that he had been using before. He waited for a few seconds after the younger guitarist had settled down, and then scooted over to him. Unfortunately, his eyes hadn’t gotten used to the dark yet, and he bumped his nose against Hitsugi’s head, which earned him an amused chuckle.

“Come here.” Hitsugi whispered then and he felt two arms slide around him, pulling him against his body. It took him a few awkward stumbles to get into a good position, but then he was snuggled up nicely to the other guitarist with his face pressed against Hitsugi’s neck.
“You’re just like a giant kitten.” Hitsugi chuckled softly, running his fingers through Sakito’s hair. Teasingly, Sakito purred, nuzzling more into his neck.
“Let’s do all those things on your lists.” Hitsugi suddenly said, and Sakito looked up, his eyes used enough to the dark to be able to see the glint of his eyes.
“Really?” He grinned.
“Well maybe not the one about having Det som ikke bør nevnes in a car, I would feel terribly embarrassed then.” The younger guitarist said, quickly turning his head away. Sakito laughed quietly, knowing that the other man was blushing.
“Well, let’s start with the first one then, spending the night together and have breakfast in bed in the morning?” He asked, pressing a soft kiss against his neck. He felt Hitsugi take his hand and twine their fingers together.
“Yeah, let’s do that.” He replied sleepily before closing his eyes and slowly drifting off, Sakito’s presence having a calming effect on him now, knowing that he was now his.

It didn’t take long for them to fall asleep, their journals lying forgotten in Sakito’s bag in the back of his car. But it didn’t matter; the two brand-new lovers had each other now and didn’t need them anymore.

end